We all know that diaper changing is a mother skill, worthy of CV mentioning. By reading this guide dads will have clearer instructions, which will come in handy when moms seem to spend a lifetime in the shower.
1. Firstly detect any scent that may indicate the need for diaper changing. Try your best to inhibit any will to call mum.
2. Take seriously any sensation of poop odour you may have. Trust your sense of smell, as after your baby turns one, she doesn’t seem to mind finishing her drawing on the walls whilst sitting on a fresh batch.
3. Watch out for those moments when being alone in a perfume shop, choosing your aftershave fragrance, you think a poop bouquet dresses your nostrils.
In this very situation only, you may consider a false alarm for the need for diaper changing.
4. Prepare yourself for approaching your toddler in order to change her diaper. Immediately create a fairy tale scenario, which, in your humble opinion, has great potential to be published in a children’s book. Firmly bite your tongue so that you don’t feel the urge to call mum.
5. Impersonate a supernatural character and wait for the perfect moment to surprise your kid with a Grammy-worthy performance.
6. Child has been approached. Unexpectedly she finds your performance funnier than you do, therefore she suddenly starts to run around singing in amusement, as if she was one of those athletes running in an obstacle race, approaching the finish line which coincides with a free fall onto her bottom. She has just made your mission more impossible than it already was.
7. You forget about all logical or mythical explanations you may want to give to your kid in order to persuade her to stay still for diaper changing and you pick her up thinking that this may solve the situation. Getting rid of that potpourri pillow attached to her bottom is all you can think of… alongside silently praying for mum to get out of the bathroom. You now go back to point 6.
8. You get back to the reasonable explanations approach. You forget that what seems to be reasonable to you is clear Chinese to your toddler. You start to play tig without getting anywhere near to tigging your opponent.
9. You are lucky she stumbles and falls. Therefore she asks to be picked up, slowly singing defeat tones.
10. Erratum: she is not hanging out a white flag in acceptance that the diaper needs changing. She is just seeking attention as she has a new boo-boo.
11. You take the clothes peg and put it on your nose. Mum left it there for you, knowing you are a little bit intolerant to strong smells. With great effort not to show your child that the fragrance bothers you, you start smiling hoping that this approach will save the day.
12. You successfully get your baby’s attention with your own interpretation of an Irish folk dance that you weren’t even aware you were good at. This seems to be the only way you can undress her naughty little legs. You are now convinced you can do the whole job, therefore mum can spend another hour in the shower.
13. Just as you have managed to get rid of the smelly parcel (the size of another toddler of the same age as yours), she starts playing hide and seek.
14. You find yourself running around the house, with the dirty diaper in one hand and wet wipes in the other, hoping you can lay at least one wet wipe on the floor before she lands on to her bottom again. You loudly start praying for mum to get out of the bathroom now.
15. You somehow manage to grab hold of your baby just in time to find out that your prayers have been heard.
16. You hand on the diaper changing task to mum. Elegantly you desert the activity (and the household), naming serious reasoning, such as the urgent need to take the car to the car wash.
Nota Bene: Take mum’s car to the car wash! At least…